My father died of a heart attack when I was six years old. I was too young to react much at the time, but I could see as I grew up that my mom was really torn up by it. She began to go through periods of depression and sometimes talked about how she wanted to join my dad. At times I felt really frustrated because she wouldn't pay attention to me. I grew up with a lot of fears about losing my mom too. I worried about this a lot.

When I was twelve years old my worst fear came true: my mom died of a rare muscular disease. During the last three months of her illness, I could see that her condition was deteriorating. When she finally died, I was just numb and couldn't believe what had happened. It was so hard. For a long time I held these emotions in. Last year, when I was a freshman at the University of Hawaii, I began to see how these events really affected me.

One significant thing I realized is that I had been blaming myself for my mom's death. I thought I could have helped her or prevented her disease. I never realized that I felt this way until recently and when it came out, along came even more pain and emotion that I had buried many years ago.

Another realization is that God had been at work preparing me for growth in college. When my mom died, I moved in with my aunt who was a Christian. She started taking me to church and got me involved in the youth ministry. I didn't realize it at the time, but this set the stage for my relationship with God to really blossom.

God has also used his people to draw me out of my shell. While in high school, I had a lot of insecurities about myself and tried to protect myself from getting hurt again. Then in my junior year, friends I'd had ever since elementary school moved away. It really hurt to lose them. After they left, I sheltered myself from people even more. I never really developed any more close or intimate friendships in high school. I never let people inside my heart. I relied on myself a lot more, and I didn't share my feelings or emotions with the people around me.

I was planning to attend the University of Hawaii after high school, but I had little interest in being a part of a Christian fellowship there. Then I met a woman at church who told me that she had a daughter who was involved with InterVarsity at the University of Hawaii. I didn't really think much of it. But when I finally arrived on campus, I decided to try it out. Here I found Christians who really lived out their faith. I had never seen Christians so excited! It left a huge impression on me. I realized that if I were to be a Christian, I wanted to be a Christian who was as excited about my faith as those people in InterVarsity.

Through InterVarsity, my friendships with people have really grown because I have been able to trust people more with the deeper parts of my life. At first it was hard even to talk about my faith because I saw it as a very private relationship with Jesus, something that only I knew about. But as I started to trust people more, I began to share more about what was within me. First it was discussions about faith and my relationship with God. More recently I've been able to talk about my family and my past.

InterVarsity has helped me learn how to open up more. I feel secure that these people care for me and want to support me. Although it was difficult to share in the beginning, I started to feel safer as I told people my hurts and was comforted by them. In a conversation with my staff worker I was able to share for the first time the deepest pains from the deaths of my parents. I didn't share because I had to but because for some reason it felt like the best thing to do.

I've also seen my personal relationship with God grow. It's no longer private; it's something far bigger than that. I have also grown in my quiet times with God. I'm learning the importance of spending daily time with him and how to hear his voice.

One of the biggest changes is that I'm starting to share my faith. My relationship with God turned from something I was ashamed of into something that I want people to know about. Last year I gave my testimony in front of 25 people from my dorm during one of our outreach events. I talked about how God has been real in my life, and how my parents' deaths has actually helped me get closer to God. Telling about my life seemed to soften even the hearts of those who were the most cynical and skeptical. Even my non-believing roommate, whom I've known since high school, had a lot of honest questions about eternity.

Even though both of my parents died before I was a teenager, God has blessed me in many ways. He gave me a loving aunt who took me in after my mom died. He led me to a church where I learned more about my relationship with God. I feel like he paved the way for my involvement in InterVarsity, where my faith has really grown. I really believe that God has greater plans in store for me than I could ever imagine. I don't believe it is God's "fault" that my parents passed away, but rather that he has turned tragedy into something worthwhile. I don't think I would be the same person I am today if those things hadn't happened in my life. God's love has brought me to this place in my faith for a reason. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand, but God's plans are not our plans and he uses all of them for his purpose.