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When Friends Fall: Confronting Sexual Sin
ometimes, despite the most compassionate environment,
the best teaching and the strongest accountability networks, students still find themselves caught
up in sinful relationships. In the past several months I've encountered three situations in which
friends have been involved in sexual sin. No matter how many times I've faced these issues, I've
always felt heartbroken.
No situation like this is easy. How should we handle situations in which a friend or fellowship member is involved in sexual sin?
Why Confront?
It is paramount to remember that the purpose of confronting any kind of sin is always twofold:
repentance and restoration. Repentance means coming to our loving Father acknowledging that our
deliberate choices to disobey him have violated his trust, and that our rebellion against the
family rules has placed a barrier between us and the One who loves us so deeply. We feel the
weight of offending our Lord, and so we go to him, confessing our failures and our desire to live
otherwise. We ask for-and receive-his lavish forgiveness.
The Christian community doesn't always handle the discovery of sin well-especially sexual sin. Too often when someone has confessed sin and repented of it they remain excluded from fellowship, marked as somehow unclean or lacking self-control. That's where restoration comes in. Our desire must always be to see our friends restored to fellowship, encouraged and upheld as they seek to walk in obedience.
But what if we discover a fellow believer in sin? And what if that person is reluctant to repent? Galatians 6:1 tells us, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, lest you also may be tempted." Gentleness and humility on our part is essential as we approach a friend to discuss an area of sin. Prior to approaching anyone, it will be important to spend time in prayer for yourself as well as for the individual(s) you intend to confront. Make sure that you are in good standing with the Lord (take the planks out of your own eyes) before you approach someone else (Matthew 7:1-5). Seek the Lord's perspective on the people involved as well as the activities in which they were involved.
The Approach
Scripture gives us a good outline of the process of going to a brother or sister who is in sin
(Matthew 18:15-17). You begin by taking the person aside privately and bringing up the issues at
hand. If he or she does not repent, then take someone else with you the next time you talk with
them, probably your InterVarsity staff member. If the person still refuses to listen, then he or
she is to be treated as a non-believer.
"As a non-believer?!" you might protest. "That sounds so abrupt and final." Perhaps it would be helpful to think through what following this process could look like in your fellowship:
After much prayer, you approach your friend and express your observations and concerns. If he or she admits that indeed there is sin involved and is willing to repent, then you have won back a brother or sister. Sometimes our friends (perhaps both partners of a couple) may be so entangled in sinful behavior that they feel trapped and unable to extricate themselves from the situation. You may be able to help by being supportive and encouraging, offering to hold them accountable for their time and actions in the future. Or you may find that they need more help than you can provide. Perhaps you can hold their hand as they go to a counselor or doctor for the first few visits. In every case, assure them of God's promise of forgiveness to those who repent (1 John 1:9). Spend time praying with your friends and commit to praying with them in the upcoming days, weeks, and months.
Unfortunately, things don't always go so well when confrontations occur. Your friends may be in a state of denial or of rebellion and might choose not to heed even the most loving of admonitions. If such is the case for you, now would be the time to talk with your I-V staff member. He or she can listen to your situation and pray with you, and then suggest how the two of you might go about talking with the people involved again. Most people will be struck by the severity of their situation once they are confronted a second time.
Treated as Non-believers
Although the initial reaction may be anger, students may welcome the care of friends who are
looking out for their best. But God has given us the freedom to continue in sin and rebellion
against him, and some people will choose to disregard all urging to repentance. This is where God
calls us to treat them as non-believers. Now think: how are we to treat non-believers? Are we to
reject them and cast them out? Not at all! We are to treat them with love and respect, desiring to
see them relate rightly to God, praying for them, asking God to draw them to repentance, and
sharing God's Word and promises with them. A friend's decision to continue in sin is not license
to ignore them or treat them poorly. Would you treat a non-Christian friend so rudely?
Other Consequences
If someone entangled in sexual sin holds a leadership position in the fellowship, there may be
other consequences as well. Your staff will have to work closely with the people involved to
determine the best course of action in their situation. For some it may mean setting up
accountability partnerships, for others it may mean stepping down from leadership so they can
focus on "getting their house in order."
Avoiding Gossip
Throughout the process you should involve only those who need to know. By doing this you will
avoid gossip and potentially explosive situations. Don't be premature in making announcements to
the fellowship, or even to other leaders. Your first concern is for the individuals involved in
the sinful relationship and then for the effects the relationship will have on the fellowship. It
is embarrassing and frightening to stand before your peers and admit not only that you have
sinned, but that you also need time out from leadership. For some, this may be a necessary part of
the healing process, for others, this may only bury them with guilt and shame. Allow your staff
worker to walk through the issues with those involved and to determine what will be best for
them.
Extravagant Love
The thought of asking someone to step down from leadership leaves most of us with a knotted
stomach and a very dry throat. Since we all sin, we fear being judgmental and hypocritical. In
reality, under these circumstances, asking the people involved to step out of leadership is an
incredibly loving thing to do-assuming that it's done out of love and in humility. The purpose of
discipline is not to punish anyone, but rather to provide them with the opportunity to rebuild
their relationship with Jesus.
While no one wants to go through the experience of confronting sexual sin, it can be a positive
experience for everyone involved. View the situation as an opportunity to learn more about the
Lord, yourself and the other person. Our God is extravagant in his love for us. In the same way,
we must learn how to be extravagant in our love for others.
Valerie Gladu
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