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How do you mend a relationship that has somehow become tense and uncomfortable? “I find myself getting angry and upset just thinking about my friend,” our college age son, Erik, said one day. “I always liked him and appreciated his help, but last time we were together I wanted to explode. How do I approach him to try to make this relationship right again?”

Erik knew he was responsible for trying to heal this damaged relationship, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on the problems. Was he being petty? Should he just forgive and go on? Or should he confront? If the issues required him to confront, how should he do it?

Erik and I took a stroll, sorting out the issues as we walked and talked. We agreed his complaints were legitimate and needed to be dealt with. Other people besides him were also being hurt. After we discussed the principles of mending a damaged relationship, Erik said, “Oh, I see. You make an affirmation sandwich.”

That’s a good way to describe the process. Here’s how it works:

Choose the ingredients in your sandwich. When you’re mad at someone it’s hard to remember what’s good about that person. But to get a whole, true picture of the difficulty, you need to remind yourself what you value in the relationship. The parts you value are the slices of bread in the affirmation sandwich. The problem issue is the stuff to put between the slices: is there a destructive pattern in the relationship? What, essentially, is wrong? Is your own sin contributing to the problem? A good counselor can pray with you and help you sort things out.

When you talk with your friend, sandwich your concerns between slices of sincere affirmation. Begin by saying how much you value your relationship and give some specifics about how he or she has been important to you. Then state the problem, bringing up only one issue at a time.

Be careful not to accuse. The Bible calls Satan the accuser of Christians (Revelation 12:10). When we accuse each other, we easily become the enemy’s mouthpiece. Calling people names, putting them down, claiming to read their minds, attributing motives to them, and inducing guilt are all forms of accusation. Watch for the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ in your remarks. Those words are a clue that you are accusing. Instead, focus your comments on the person’s behavior (what he said or did) and your feelings (how you felt about those words or actions).

Be prepared to listen carefully and actively, seeking to understand the other person’s point of view before you attempt to get him to understand your point of view.

“We typically seek first to be understood,” author Stephen Covey writes in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply,” he says. “They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.” People usually aren’t ready to hear what we have to say about a mutual problem until they feel that we have listened to them and understood them first. And they won’t feel we understand them until we rephrase what they have said and reflect their feelings back to them.

Finally, end with more affirmation. For example: “As I said before, our relationship is very important to me. That’s why I want to get it back on track.”

Don’t force people to eat your sandwich. Give them time to eat and digest it in private.

Often people need time to think through what’s being said. You may need to offer “space” for them to process what may be surprising news. Talk again later, once again seeking first to understand, then to be understood. Or they may need time to figure out how to explain a misunderstanding. An immature or wounded person may not be able to bring himself to admit he was wrong, but may start making changes without acknowledging why. Be patient. In time, people will mature and heal enough to seek forgiveness when it’s necessary to right a wrong. Meantime, keep in mind that improving the relationship is more important than hearing the other person say, “You’re right and I’m wrong.”

—Rebecca Cerling Powers