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Standing in the back of Durham Cathedral in England, I notice at my feet a lonely row of black marble stones surrounded by gray stones. Looking to the right, I find a sign with the explanation: “This line marks the limit beyond which women were not allowed to go when the cathedral was a medieval monastery.” I wonder what the women thought who were first to cross the line—the first to step into the glorious majesty of the cathedral. I wonder if some were afraid of what lay beyond the black line. There are lines to cross in my Christian walk, too. Like some of those women, I do not want to go past those lines. It is scary out there in the wide-open, light-filled room of God’s kingdom. There is no darkness, and I would have to walk in the light. I’m afraid of stepping out of this comfort zone—this life I’ve created. I don’t want to leave what I know for the unknown. I plan my life so I can be in control. Yet, the light beckons me further into the cathedral. How can I step into your light, Jesus? I don’t want to step over the black line, because I do not know the plans you have for me. What if I become poor? Jesus, I’m afraid to follow you because I may not have much money. I may live in an apartment my whole life and never have the chance to mow my own lawn. I may have to abandon Chinese food for potatoes. I may have to wear outdated fashions. I may have to take public transportation. God, I want to be financially secure. Do not store up for yourself treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourself treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:19–21). What if I get a disease? Jesus, I’m afraid to follow you because I may get sick. I don’t want to become dependent on others. I don’t want my body to fall apart. I’m scared of cancer and surgery and hospitals, I don’t want to be secluded from the world because of sickness. I don’t want to schedule my life around medication. Don’t let me die a slow, painful death. God, I want to be healthy and strong. Your flesh and your heart may fail, but God is the strength of your heart and your portion forever (Psalm 73:26). What if I end up single? Jesus, I’m afraid to follow you because I may not get married or have a family. I may never hold my own child. No man may ever desire to know me and care for me. The loving look of a husband may never melt my heart. I may never lie in bed and have a husband kiss me good night. No man may ever appreciate the woman you have created me to be. God, I want a life companion. For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth (Isaiah 54:5). What if I’m not liked? Jesus, I’m afraid to follow you because I may not be accepted by others. No one may ever call me or ask to eat lunch with me. No one may ever throw me a surprise birthday party. I may not be funny or pretty or intelligent enough for people to desire to spend time with me. I may not have close friends to listen to my troubles and rejoice in my triumphs. What if no one ever says thank you? God, I want to be somebody special. For I created your inmost being; I knit you together in your mother’s womb. Praise me because you are fearfully and wonderfully made; my works are wonderful, you know that full well (Psalm 139:13–14). What if I fail? Jesus, I’m afraid to follow you because I will not live up to your expectations. Even though you have forgiven me for all my sins and have forgotten them, I am still a sinner, and I will continue to sin. I hurt people with my words and actions. I miss opportunities that you provide. I mess up my life by disobeying you. God, I want to do great things for you. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8–9) Do you keep your promises? Can I trust you? God, I can’t even see you! Do you know what you are doing? Are you even listening to me? For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:11–13). Yes, Jesus, I will trust you. I believe you know what is best for me. I am certain that you will be with me throughout my life. I desire to walk in your light. I want to seek you and find you. I leave my plans behind so I may gain you: my provider, my strength, my husband, my maker, and my Savior. I step over the line. |
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . —Jenny Foster serves on InterVarsity staff at Millikin University and Illinois State University.
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