From here to eternity

Can you put a true face on fellowship? I can. Five, to be exact. And four of those five faces belong to people I don’t see on a daily, or even weekly, basis. They are friends from my collegiate ministry years. Seven years ago, while still in college, I made a decision concerning those friends that has profoundly affected almost every aspect of my life since leaving those hallowed halls of higher education.

After leaving the spiritually rich cocoon of campus ministry—the world where you see your best friend at least twice a day and your home, school and work are frequently a stone’s throw apart—you will likely face the same struggles as thousands before you, myself included: maintaining closeness with both the Lord and your good friends. The time you now have to be involved in ministry, hang out with the gang, or even study the Bible is often severely hindered by the post-graduation lifestyle (new job, new location, new life). Soon, you may find yourself far away from those people and things you could never have imagined living without. How can you equip yourself against such hazards? One way I have discovered is by fully committing to friendships that offer the truest fellowship — friendships grounded in a shared love of Jesus Christ that will endure from here to eternity.

In 1995, two such friends of mine and I married guys who were also good friends and roommates; we all were also involved with campus ministry efforts through the Baptist Student Union—whether leading dorm Bible studies, discipleship groups, or praise and worship. Although each couple was bound for far-flung geographical destinations we determined that we would not let something so paltry as a few thousand miles and entirely new lives get in the way of our friendships! So what did we do? We followed an example.

Dick and Nancy Jaques, faithful ministers of Christ on the campus at Oklahoma University, are almost twenty years out from their college days. But, unlike most people in their position, they have more than faded memories of that time in their life—they have fresh, enriching, encouraging memories with five other couples who were classmates, roommates and co-laborers in the spiritual fields at Kansas State. They have those “new” memories because six guys all committed that they would faithfully walk alongside one another on this earth, praying for each other, encouraging one another, and having fun together. Their way to accomplish such lofty goals was for their “council” to get together once a year for a time of fun and fellowship. Seventeen years and nineteen children later, they are still getting together!

Seeing the tremendous impact that the Jaques’s decision had not only on their lives but also on the lives of their children and all those they minister to, my friends and I chose to follow their example. So, on the brink of graduation, marriage, and new jobs, we decided to meet together once a year (or so) for the serious sort of fun and fellowship that cannot be created via phone lines or snappy e-mails.

That was over seven years ago and the Lord has graciously allowed us six reunions—in spite of one couple living in Japan for three years, another couple in Chicago, and my family enjoying Southern California (not to mention that there will soon be thirteen children in our happy troupe!). Although we were fairly clueless about the journey we were embarking on when we began, it has blossomed into one of the most invaluable investments any of us has ever made.

Certainly this is not the only way to succeed in your walk with Christ after college, nor is it a “Method” to be followed rigidly. I fully believe, however, that it is a very good way to stay close to God through the course of a lifetime. How precious it is to have friends whom you love deeply, and who love you back, wildly cheering you on to the finish line and to the sweet words from our Lord, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Following are a few essential principles for those desiring to maintain and deepen precious college friendships in a similar way.

• Choose wisely. Let’s face it. There are friends and then there are friends. The people to approach for such a venture need to be friends. They need to be people whom you have ministered alongside, eaten donuts at midnight with, cried or laughed until dawn with. Dependable, faithful, and fun-to-be-with should be among the first words that pop into your mind when you think of these people. Dick Jaques says of his group, “It is a gift of God, he just knit our hearts together.” His words describe something that cannot be manufactured or forced; the idea of pursuing something like this with certain friends should feel natural.

  “Council-mates” should have a strong desire for righteousness and be sincerely committed to living their entire life for Christ—this is not for someone who just shows up for fun activities or is hesitant to be involved in personal ministry. James 5:16 says, “The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.” If I’m going to ask people to be my lifetime prayer-warriors, I certainly want their prayers to be powerful and effective!

• Guard expectations. Few things have sabotaged more good plans than unrealistic expectations. Know that your friends will change. They may have a new spouse or baby. I guarantee things will not be exactly like they are now. And that is good because as great as college days are, they are not meant to go on forever (although some of you may feel they are lasting an eternity!) Know, too, that you will change as well, and your friends may not initially know how to process every part of the “new you.” But, if you have chosen wisely, then these minor changes will be just that, minor.

  I caught up with Nancy Jaques, who was enjoying her latest “reunion,” and asked her about expectations. She said, “It’s important to realize that the six couples in our group are not carbon copies. Our purpose is to encourage each other in the Lord—and not worry about other issues like child-rearing methods or schooling choices. We shouldn’t expect every family to look like ours.” Wise words for any friendship.

• Have a plan (but don’t overplan). The first few times our group got together we certainly didn’t have a plan—and our time together suffered for it. While we had a lot of fun and neat conversations, we (at least I) felt less than satisfied when it ended—we hadn’t truly had fellowship or studied the Word and worshiped together. Now, we do those things. Not to the exclusion of fun, of course—we try to always plan a family day where we go to the beach or to an amusement park, as well as a kid-free date night. No matter what, the time together should be relaxing and refreshing, not a rigid, scheduled course that stresses everyone out.

  During our time together, each couple takes one night and shares the major lessons that God has taught them over the year, as well as sharing the “big” prayer requests—you know, the ones concerning character and sinfulness rather than that killer physics mid-term. (My preparation for these times has developed into a wonderful tool for taking stock of my life.) The rest of the evening is spent in deep intercessory prayer for that family and singing praise and worship songs.

  Having a plan also entails hard personal decisions. If you end up as far-flung as our group, then you have to make the reunion a priority, concerning both time and budget. Maybe you won’t take that weekend ski trip, choosing instead to use your vacation resources for a slightly cramped visit at a friend’s house, sleeping on a sofa bed rather than in a fire-lit, snow-drenched condo. After having done it, I would choose the sofa bed over the cozy condo any day because of the spiritual blessings I receive when I am with my friends.

• Pray. Pray for your friends, your expectations, your plans, and your finances. An undertaking such as this will never succeed without being veiled in constant prayer. Tammy Spears, one of my dear council-mates, says, “In the early years, it was a conscious decision to pray for the other families, but now it has grown to a normal part of our family devotions. Praying for them is as natural to me as praying for my own children.”

The benefits I have reaped from our arrangement are countless, ranging from an inescapable return to college silliness (although we are fast becoming thirty-somethings!) to the legacy that will hopefully pass to my children. Dee Anne, a daughter of a couple in the Jaques’ council says, “Watching my parents invest all this time, effort and money in these people has taught me the value and absolute necessity of close, like-hearted Christian friends.” Because of a choice I made in college, my four children are learning lessons about fellowship, sacrifice and walking with Jesus. Their hearts are joined with these godly families that love them unconditionally and constantly encourage them in the Lord. Did I mention that I also experience the tremendous benefits of sincere encouragement, fellowship and worship?

Our group also provides a treasured “insurance”—I know that if my family ever experiences a spiritual crisis, there would be two families on the first flight out to encourage us with the Word of God and help us weather the storm.

I can assure you, the choice to continue lasting friendships is not an easy decision; many people want the benefits without realizing the tremendous commitment and sacrifice it requires. But I know that this kind of fellowship pleases the Lord and stores treasures in heaven. And that is better than any old ski trip.

—Lisa Van Weelden lives in Southern California with her husband and four young children. Her first novel based on her friendships and experiences at the University of Oklahoma is currently searching for a publishing home.