Latina enough?

I wish my hair was a little curlier . . .
What if my skin was darker . . .
My español needs to flow better . . .
The salsa steps that I know could use some refining . . .
Maybe if I liked eating beans . . .
Then would I be Latina enough?

At Urbana 03, God began to show me how I truly saw myself, and I was broken over what I saw. I didn’t understand why God couldn’t have created me to look like the Latinas that I knew while I was growing up. It would have made my life so much easier. I was tired of getting the dreaded “You’re Hispanic? You don’t look Hispanic” throughout my life from people I would meet and from those whom I already knew. Why couldn’t my people just accept me?

One of the nights, the drama team did a skit where an Asian man spoke of his heartache and struggles in being bi-cultural. He spoke of the hurt he felt from what others thought of his appearance. Despite how they saw him, there was good news. “Gospel makes my ugly, his beautiful.” As I heard those words, my heart sank; all I could do was cry. The feelings of not looking Latina enough were so overbearing. As I searched for the roots of this pain I realized it was my perception that kept me in chains. I was so fearful of how other Latinos saw me that I was afraid of building relationships with them.

The drama went on to say, “So now, I can sing and I can dance because I am me and I am free.” I wanted to be free, but how? I knew that if I was confident in whom God had created me to be, I would find freedom . . . but who is “me”? I had no idea how to even begin processing what was going on inside of me. Then someone suggested that I should read Being Latino in Christ: Finding Wholeness in Your Ethnic Identity by Orlando Crespo.

Orlando writes, “I belong to a new complex breed that God has put together. I am not just Latino, I am also American. I love and appreciate both cultures. Yet I do not feel completely at home in either one. . . . I must constantly function in two worlds.” This was what I was feeling! It all started to make sense. As I continued to read, I learned that a Latino is someone who can trace their heritage back to a Hispanic country and is someone who willingly chooses to identify with that heritage. Since my family’s roots are in Puerto Rico, the rest was up to me. I was able to see that being Latina is not based on what others think of me, but is based on what I choose to be. Although this was head knowledge already, it had not yet become heart knowledge.

In March 2004, I attended the staff conference for LaFe (InterVarsity’s ministry to Latino college students and faculty) as a prospective staff worker. The whole week, we spoke about Latino identity, history, stereotypes, struggles, strengths and so much more. God began to show me the fears that continued to live in my heart. Despite all of their love towards me, I continued to feel fearful that they were seeing me and thinking “she doesn’t look Latina.” Where were these thoughts coming from? I knew they were lies, but I continued to hear them.

As the week passed I heard several testimonies of how others had wrestled with their identity and how God helped them overcome their struggles. Many had even had the same struggle that I was going through. After one of the afternoon sessions, I immediately went to the bathroom to hide. I wanted to explode into tears as I felt God tearing down my walls of insecurity and lies that appearance is what identified me as Latina. As I composed myself, I took a look in the mirror before leaving and I heard God affirming me, “I am Latina.” For the first time, I was able to look at myself and honestly believe in whom God had created me to be. After getting all of the tears out of me, I went to meet with my small group and shared what happened. They rejoiced with me in what God was doing. It was an unforgettable and life-changing experience.

My journey isn’t over. I am continually learning how to embrace being both Latina and American and how God wants to use this bi-cultural blessing for His glory. I still get the “You’re Hispanic?” here and there. I know now that maybe it’s the person’s first time seeing a Latina like me. I guess we all learn something new every day.

—Linda Irma Jimenez hails from Vineland, New Jersey, and was a student at Montclair State University in Upper Montclair, New Jersey. She graduated in Spring 2005 with a major in religious studies, a minor in music theory/history and with hopes of going on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.