Jeanne and Mike were both leaders in their fellowship. Jeanne had served as both a small group leader and a chapter leader for the last two years, while Mike had been a part of the worship team for the past three years. Everyone seemed to admire them and more than a few were envious of their seemingly "perfect" relationship. Students often compared their own hopes for a relationship with what they saw between Mike and Jeanne.

But while their friends looked on admiringly, Jeanne and Mike were secretly struggling. They frequently wrestled with the physical aspects of their relationship, and they kept slipping beyond their agreed boundaries. Eventually, Mike and Jeanne found themselves deeply embroiled in sexual sin. Soon they were frustrated, defeated and very alone. They feared that any public admission of their failures would devastate their friends.

Eventually the reality of their problems became evident to all-Jeanne became pregnant. The fellowship was aghast. "How could something like this happen to Jeanne and Mike?" "How could this happen in our fellowship?" "Where do we go from here?"

Stories like that of Mike and Jeanne are not uncommon. The impact of sexual sin is far reaching, extending from a marred personal relationship with the Lord to a tear in the very fabric of a fellowship. People fall into premarital intercourse and other sexual sins in many ways, and there is no single solution. But there are several things that can help us to avoid the pain of sexual sin.

God's Standards
Too often in the arena of sex we ignore any discussion of God's perspective on our sexuality. An awesome and fearsome hush seems to surround any talk concerning God's expectations of us. Whatever the reasons for shelving the discussion, people remain ill-equipped to handle the struggles and temptations in which they find themselves. God designed us as sexual beings and our sexuality is not something we can or should merely turn off until marriage. But how do we understand the implications of our sexuality and the parameters God has given for its expression outside of marriage?

Often areas which appear morally fuzzy in a dating relationship become quite clear when we look at them a little more objectively. This means starting with a broader question: how we are to relate in a godly manner to our brothers and sisters in Christ? We, as individuals and as a fellowship, need to spend time searching the Scriptures, studying what God's word has to tell us about God's design for our sexuality as well as our relationships. Optimally, we should develop our principles and convictions before entering into a dating relationship. It is much more difficult to develop and implement convictions while in the midst of a relationship than it is to begin a relationship with your convictions firmly established.

In Community
God never intended us to live in isolation, but rather in community. Our first community experience is within our families, then as we grow up we become a part of a school community and perhaps a church community. When you become a Christian you are adopted into the family of God and enter into a relationship with others who are a part of God's family. We need one another; the Lord designed us that way. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"

Being Accountable
Relationships of accountability in the Christian community are very important if we are to maintain the standards of purity and integrity which Christ demands of us. Many godly people have become entangled in sexual sin because they had no one holding them accountable for their physical relationship. We may be quick to ask someone to check on us in regard to our quiet times or our time management, but how often do we set up accountability groups for our dating situations? If we need help maintaining some of the basic disciplines of the Christian life, how much more will we need the help of our brothers and sisters as we seek to channel the tumultuous currents of our sexual appetites? Admitting our need for help in this area is definitely humbling and sometimes embarrassing. But it is also essential as we seek to honor God in our relationships.

Accountability relationships are best formed between partners of the same sex. This one-to-one relationship functions like a prayer partnership, and often includes a prayer focus, but it also requires a strong commitment to ask and to answer hard questions honestly. Think through and pray about whom God would have you be in partnership with. (It's pointless to be involved with someone to whom you will lie. This defeats the whole purpose of accountability.) Whom do you trust enough to be genuine and honest? Who knows you well enough to ask the hard questions? Take the initiative in asking someone whom you trust to hold you accountable.

Even though accountability partnerships are springing up on campuses all over the country, that doesn't mean they're easy. Consider some of the questions students are asking each other: "So, how did you spend your time with Suzy last night?" "Have you broken any of the standards that you established? If so, how? How can you make things different next time?" "How are you encouraging each other in purity? in faith? in love?" When necessary, they get even more blunt: "Are you having sex?" "Have you lied to me in answering any of these questions?" These questions may seem quite bold, but if expressed by a trusted friend who is committed to upholding you in prayer, they are a wonderful demonstration of love.

A friend of mine (I'll call him Frank) asked his roommate to hold him accountable for his relationship with his fianc‚e (I'll call her Cindy-and I've changed all of the other names in this article as well). Frank and Cindy found it difficult when they spent time together late at night. As the evening would wear on their defenses would drop, and they would start doing things that they had agreed were unhealthy for them at that stage in their relationship.

Frank and Cindy decided on a self-imposed curfew, and so Frank asked his roommate, Ted, to help him stick to it. Ted would go to sleep in Frank's bed so that Frank would have to wake him when he returned home. Whenever Frank awakened Ted, Ted noted the time and then asked several agreed-upon questions: "Did you have a nice time? Were you tempted to go beyond your boundaries? (Ted knew what those boundaries were.) How did you handle the temptation?" If Frank admitted that he had given in, Ted would ask, "What will you do next time to prevent this from happening again?"

Caring and Forgiving
It's also important to establish a community that cares and forgives. Followers of Jesus must extend the same compassion and forgiveness which characterized Jesus' ministry. Consider his compassion for the people of Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-42), for the paralytic (Mark 2:1-12), and for the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).

Jesus declared that he had come not for the healthy, but for the sick. Unfortunately, we often expect perfection and "health" from ourselves and the people with whom we fellowship. We often fail to acknowledge our own desperate need for God's compassion and forgiveness and therefore refuse to show compassion to others. People found the love of Jesus irresistible and sought out his forgiveness and healing. In the same way, as we are able to extend compassion and forgiveness, the people we are seeking to love will find it easier to admit their need for Jesus and for encouragement from fellow believers. Conversely, if students feel that they will be judged for their failures and frailties, they will choose not to reveal them to others, even if that means continued failure.

Our job, as members of the Body of Christ, is to spur one another on as we seek to follow Jesus (Hebrews 10:24-25). If we make it difficult for our brothers and sisters to acknowledge their need for help, we fail to encourage them in their pursuit of Jesus. A compassionate, forgiving fellowship provides the security and safety needed for students to honestly confess their struggles and to seek help and encouragement. Such a community also provides the tough love necessary for those who are in denial or whose hearts have been hardened toward God and their sin.

A few years ago I worked with a leadership team which was growing in its ability to extend compassion and forgiveness. One evening, Bob, a chapter leader, came to our team meeting obviously aggravated. He was sullen and distant for most of the time. But when we moved into a time of sharing, Bob began to share how, just two nights earlier, he had recklessly and blatantly chosen to sleep with a woman with whom he worked. He poured out his pain and guilt and asked for the group to forgive and help him. At that point the group gathered around Bob, prayed for him and asked him how they could be an encouragement to him from this point on. The team poured out their love for Bob and began to hold him accountable in his area of weakness. Their desire was to see him restored to fellowship with Jesus as well to embrace and uphold him.

Open and Inclusive
Finally, we must strive to cultivate in our fellowships an ethos which encourages inclusiveness in relationships. Few things are as damaging to the health of a fellowship as the growing sense that one must be "attached" to a member of the opposite sex in order to belong. The only attachment which we must encourage is an attachment to Jesus Christ. Any other requirements exclude or discourage your brothers and sisters in Christ.

It breaks my heart to hear students say that they feel they must bring a date to a fellowship meeting. I once attended a large-group meeting where all but two of the students were dating. The reason I know that only two weren't dating is because the couples were all holding hands and practically sitting on top of one another! As I talked with students afterwards, the two who had not come with "dates" shared how uncomfortable and excluded they had felt.

One way to create an environment of inclusiveness and openness is to gently discourage couples from excessive public displays of affection. In addition, leaders can encourage chapter members to view small- and large-group meetings as an opportunity to get to know and include people with whom they don't normally spend much time.

Openness and inclusiveness is important not only for the non-dating students, but for the couples as well. Our relationships need to have room for other people. When there is no room for others to be included in a couple's activities, the couple can become very self-absorbed, unavailable for opportunities to serve others. Worse yet, they drift away from any accountability. Instead, we want to encourage the development of a strong network of friendships among leaders and chapter members.

Relating with Integrity
Jesus calls us to be counter-cultural and to develop relationships of integrity with both men and women. Our desire should be to help one another grow in our ability to relate to a variety of people and to learn from as many different people as possible. When relationships become exclusive, we cut off the possibility of learning from others or giving to them.

Communities which hold one another accountable, extend compassion and forgiveness, and are inclusive and open are rare communities indeed. But this is what Christ calls us to. How exciting it is to be involved in such a community, where we can bring our concerns and struggles to one another and know that we will be loved.