“Rise up, O men of God, have done with lesser things!” was a rousing hymn of commitment for men of a previous era. Today most Christian men I meet on campus don’t know this hymn; more importantly, they have a difficult time knowing what it means to be “men of God”—let alone what “rise up” might imply for their lives as students. Perhaps this is most evident as I watch IVCF men muddle through their relationships with parents, friends and romantic interests.

Our university world provides little or no social guidance (other than “be nice to people” kinds of statements), so Christian men wrestle with very basic relational questions. Some of these questions live in our souls at the most existential level (What does it mean to be a man and follow Jesus?) while some reside at a more practical level (What can I expect from my friends this weekend?). Add to these the ever present (and adrenaline charged!) romance questions (“Does she like me?” or “Should I ask her out?”) and most guys begin to get lost in a fog of emotions and spiritual concerns.

Without presuming to offer a complete road map, I want to offer a few suggestions to help you feel your way through the fog:

1. Become a theological man.
First things first: if we want to deal with the existential question, “What does it mean to be a man of God?” we must become men who pursue a deeper knowledge of God. Many men think of “theology” as merely an overly intellectual pastime for the socially deficient. For followers of Jesus, however, theology is a simple word to describe the application of heart and mind to the Scriptures in pursuit of God. We pursue the study of God to know him better, not just knowledge in the sense of facts (though facts about God are necessary to truly know him), but knowledge in the sense of deeply knowing our Creator. Knowing God leads to changed hearts and minds as we conform to his wishes, desires and commands. As a result, we experience his blessing and guidance in our relational needs.

If we are concerned about relationships in general, why not apply ourselves to the task of learning from the God who created relationships at the beginning? God presents himself in the Scriptures as the relational God who created men and women to be in relationship with him and each other. His paradigm for our relationships is demonstrated in the interrelationship of the persons of the Trinity (see John 13–17). The theological man mines the Scriptures for the gold of God’s relational wisdom. He also reads thought-provoking books for the wisdom that others have discovered.

I hope that the idea of “mining the Scriptures” is not new for you. However, I have been somewhat surprised in the past year with the lack of focus or direction many male InterVarsity students have expressed in their basic devotional life with their Creator. Quiet times are typically the “stick your index finger in the Bible and read what you find” sort, rather than a time of prayerfully considered study through a book or passages around an area where growth is needed. Serious scripture reading is seen only as something for the nerd who doesn’t have a better plan for his spare time rather than a vital activity for Christian growth.

If you want to grow in your wisdom about relationships, plan a month of quiet times that look at passages that deal with relationships. (For example: John 12–17, Ephesians 4–6; Galatians 5). Take some time each week to read from a theological work like Knowing God by J. I. Packer or The Cross of Christ by John Stott. When you begin to understand God’s love expressed through your adoption as his sons through the work of Christ on your behalf, you will begin to understand what it means to love others and how it is that you will need to live in relationships with those around you. If you are serious about desiring God’s best for your relationships, then train yourself to desire intimate knowledge of God. What are his ways, his workings, his deeds done in history, his plans for your future in glory?

2. Root your identity as a man in Jesus Christ.
Given our campus realities, it is a constant struggle for men to let the truth of God soak deeply into their sense of identity. Instead, we hear messages at the core levels of our beings, such as, “I am valuable because of what I do,” “I earn love by producing _____,” and “I will be accepted because I talk, dress, speak or think a certain way.” Outwardly these identity messages bear bad relational fruit as men use relationships to confirm the inward sense of their own value. Romantic relationships are especially vulnerable to these messages and often become idolatrous as men place them in highest priority in order to continue to meet their need to feel valued and loved.

Over and against these misplaced identity builders Jesus sounds his call to come to him (Matthew 11:25–30), to trust in him and to derive direction and purpose from him (John 14:1–4). He offers rest, peace, and life. Paul picked up on the depths of the implications of this call when he wrote about the union believers have in Christ in Romans 8 and Ephesians 1. Peter picked up these same themes as he encouraged men in 1 and 2 Peter to live godly lives in the midst of challenging times.

Rooting our identity as men in Jesus Christ takes work. Getting truth deep into our being requires scripture memory and meditation. It involves a conscious effort to replace our false identity messages with the truth of our “adopted son” status with God through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:4–5). When we begin to take these steps, we can become free to see relationships as opportunities to share God’s love rather than chances to meet our needs.

3. Develop close friendships with other men.
It is an amazing fact of modern (or post-modern) life that while we have become superbly adept at connecting with others online, we have simultaneously become significantly weaker at developing godly friendships with other men. However, the biblical pattern for discipleship and growth for young men always includes other men! (Take a look at Titus or 2 Timothy) It will be difficult to grow in Christ if you don’t have a brother along side of you or a step ahead of you to encourage and exhort you, and to enjoy your spiritual journey. More than that, learning how to develop and maintain same-sex friendships will be strategic for your success in romance in marriage.

In the I-V chapters I have worked with in the past few years, we have started men’s ministry meetings to facilitate relationships of trust, accountability and growth. Many of us don’t know how to talk with guys about things other than sports, movies and women. So talking about spiritual things usually doesn’t come naturally.

Having a structure or strategy can help us. Eventually, as we become more comfortable opening up, working through personal issues or talking about spiritual concerns, we learn the joy of having conversations about things that really matter, that have eternal significance. Our men’s ministries have involved prayer partnerships, accountability relationships, discussion groups, Bible studies and weekend men’s retreats. One of the direct results of these ministries has been greater maturity in relationships with women and parents.

4. Examine how your sexual sins affect your relationships.
Probably the area of greatest pain and angst for Christian men on campus today is the issue of sexual sin. Evidently no one is immune from these struggles, whether it is the combination of challenges in dealing with internet pornography (lustful thoughts, viewing pornography and masturbation) or the struggles of sexual limitations in dating relationships. I continue to be surprised when I talk to guys who think that they are the only ones who have these struggles. Brothers, in all of your battles against sexual sin, you are not alone—your brothers on campus across our country are also struggling! More importantly, the Scriptures tell us that when we encounter sin, God himself is close at hand to forgive, cleanse and help us (1 John 1:9; James 4:7–8; 1 Corinthians 10:13).

Reflect for a moment on how sexual sin affects your relationships. Due to our great ability to compartmentalize our lives, we are prone to thinking that these internal and often solitary sins and battles have no affect on the external reality of our interactions with others. But the sad truth is that they do. Pornography and lustful thoughts objectify women, treating them as objects of personal pleasure rather than as God’s created persons. Lustful thoughts, when we have trained ourselves to repeatedly turn to them, occupy our minds to the point that other more God-honoring or Kingdom-productive thoughts don’t get any “airplay.” All sexual sin, by its very nature, pushes us to be secretive or at least deceptive with ourselves and others. Every woman (or in the struggle against same-sex attractions, every man) becomes an opportunity for lustful thoughts. Every Christian meeting or interaction with others becomes a mental battle ground: No one here is as sinful as me; if they only knew what I’m like, they would condemn me. Every opportunity for closeness with others becomes a gamble: Should I tell them what is really going on with me or not?

The way out of these paralyzing and shame-filled realities is centered in the suggestions above. Seeking out God, rooting your identity in Christ, admitting your sexual struggles and developing close relationships with men will provide foundations for freedom from these struggles. There is no magic pill to painlessly or effortlessly eliminate sexual sin from your life, but with God’s help, the care of brothers in Christ and “baby steps” of discipline in your life, you can begin to have victory. Perhaps the greatest challenge in dealing with sexual sin is to be able to look objectively at the root causes of your sin, and to be equally clear about the effects of your sin. As you become freer to do this, you will find your relationships with others more satisfying and leading to greater wholeness in Christ.

5. Establish appropriate boundaries in friendships with women.
The social ambiguities of male-female relationships on campus have led to significant confusion about appropriate boundaries between men and women. For some readers, the very idea of “boundaries” across gender lines may sound unacceptable. Without engaging in extensive debate, let me simply offer that commands in scripture to treat one another as brothers and sisters in Christ must be taken seriously (1 Timothy 5:2, 6–11; Titus 2:6; Philippians 4:4–9).

You who have younger or older sisters in your family know that when you were young, there were things that you could do with sisters that you can’t do now that you are an adult. I often find myself talking through these issues of growing relational maturity at conferences, retreats and camps as I watch men and women sorting through their social realities. For example, some men think that it is okay (if they think about it at all) to wrestle women or generally toss them around. Tickling, tackling or flirting are all part of the same game of physical and romantic friendship. The problem is that for many women these kinds of touches are uncomfortable, painful or deeply offensive. They can feel powerless to say “stop” because of the social implications of being unfriendly; and sometimes when they do say “stop” they are ignored. (It is true that some women, as they try to meet their own identity needs apart from Christ, encourage this sort of behavior because for them it is the “norm,” but this article is focused on issues that we face as guys).

More important than the physical boundaries are the emotional or spiritual boundaries that go along with treating sisters with gentleness and respect. In a recent conversation with a young leader about his flirting with most of the women around him, he remarked that he thought flirting is what women want. His comment took me back to a conversation with an older brother in Christ my sophomore year in college. What a revelation it was to me that I could relate to women in any way other than flirtation! At that point I began a lifelong process of learning how to develop God-honoring friendships with women.

6. Invite accountability.
If you are starting or are already in a romantic relationship, invite your brothers’ knowledge, prayer and accountability.

One common theme I hear from Christian men on campus regarding romantic interests is a sense of isolation in sorting out heart issues. Young men seem to have the idea that they must figure out how to deal with their romances without any input from anyone else. It’s vital to have an accountability partnership to help you manage the kinds of temptations that come with romance. Remember to include sharing among the brothers about your heart interests. Before you enter into a dating relationship, ask a close brother in Christ for his wisdom. (Hopefully the woman you are interested in will do the same with a sister in Christ.) Talk through the challenges you may face and consider writing an accountability contract so that your brother can ask specific questions that deal with your areas of struggle. You might adopt the guidelines offered in books like Robbie Castleman’s True Love in a World of False Hope (IVP) or Josh Harris’s Boy Meets Girl (Multnomah).

7. Decide to learn more about men and relationships
Hopefully it is self-evident that Christian men need to commit themselves to a lifetime of growth in relational maturity. Much of the ambiguity on campus about who men are and who they can be exists because men in the recent past failed to pursue God’s truth and direction for themselves and their world. But that is not an excuse to become passive or to remain ignorant. The hymn quoted at the beginning of this article was written to the men of the church to forsake the temptations and sloth of their day in order to take up their crosses and follow Jesus. And that call is needed again. The men’s movement has blown through the church and revitalized many men, but the daily challenge for male students on campus continues. May God grant us a new generation of men who love the Lord Jesus and seek to honor him in every relationship.

—Dave Collins is an IVCF Area Director in Ann Arbor, Michigan. He and his wife Debra have four children. Together they enjoy bluegrass, fishing and summers at Cedar Campus.