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Prism Article
12/2/98
Paul Sorrentino
Sex: Do Christians Have Less Fun?
You have ravished my heart, my
sister, my bride,
you have ravished my heart with
a glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
How sweet is your love, my sister,
my bride!
how much better your love
than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils
than any spice!
One Friday a student walked into the Christian Fellowship meeting and
asked me what the topic was for the night. When she learned that it was on
“Sexuality,” she was offended and walked out saying, “What does
THAT have
to do with Christianity?” In fact, as the above passage from the Bible
indicates, sex is not a forbidden topic for Christians. I dare say, it was
God’s idea.
We were made for love. Women and men have deep needs for affection,
friendship, intimacy and belonging. We have a healthy drive to be in
relationship with others so that we can share our lives – our successes,
failures, fears and dreams – without fear of rejection. Our sexuality
encompasses all of these areas. Sex, by which we commonly mean sexual
intercourse, is an important but not essential component of relationship.
I grew up during the sexual revolution of the sixties. My generation
thought that free sex without commitment would fulfill us in ways that
restraint never could. We confused “love making” with “love” and failed to
see that making love develops out of love and not the reverse. We upended
the intimacy paradigm such that sex became an initiation phase of
relationship instead of a fulfillment.
One of the unfortunate legacies of my generation is that today sex has
become closely linked with intimacy. The result is that friendships are
not given adequate time to develop. When there is an attraction to another
person it seems that the logical next step is to go to bed with them. This
kind of casual, uncommitted sex is like picking apple blossoms in April
because they are beautiful and then wondering what happened to the apples.
We have to be able to mentally uncouple sex and intimacy so that they are
not equated. If we fail to do so, then we risk defining every relationship
only by physical involvement and we lose the benefits of all the other
aspects of friendship. We should have the freedom to enjoy one another’s
company without having to wonder when we will have sex together.
Healthy sex, or good loving, should take place in a context of trust,
commitment, love and fidelity. Those may sound like terribly old fashioned
and unnecessary values, but I think they are what make sex a gift and a
source of enrichment in relationship.
In a passage that is often used in weddings, Jesus quoted from the
book of Genesis:
“Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning
‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall
leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
It is an important passage in this discussion because it indicates
that sex, from a Christian perspective, is much more than a release of pent
up libido. It is so very important that there is a kind of melding
together of the two persons. It is not that they lose their personalities,
but that they become something more. The act of sexual intercourse is a
different kind of language that is intended to communicate love and
commitment in a way that nothing else can. It is an expression of complete
trust and commitment. In the privacy of the bedroom, two lovers say “I
want to give you all that I have and receive from you all that you are.”
It is the kind of unveiling of who we are that should never be taken
lightly.
When we practice casual sex, or even consecutive, monogamous
relationships, there is a kind of pain that attends a repeated giving over
of ourselves in a way that is not respected or valued. Nonchalant sexual
alliances result in a diminishment of the wonder of sex itself and, even
more important, a loss of self-worth as we repeatedly give away a part of
ourselves. That is why sex is intended for a one-time partner where there
is a lifelong commitment to fidelity and pursuing the other’s best
interests.
Karl Marx wrote a letter to his wife in which he stated:
There are actually many females in the world, and some of them are
very beautiful. But where could I find again a face whose every
feature, even every wrinkle, is a reminder of the greatest and
sweetest memories of my life? Even my endless pains, my
irreplaceable losses, I read in your sweet countenance.
I have been married to my wife, Karen, for 22 years. I feel like I
could write the same letter. There is something incredibly powerful about
being with the same person through the vicissitudes of life. My wife and I
have been through a great deal together. We have a depth and breadth of
experiences with which to connect and through which we have developed our
own relational context. There is no substitute for time together when it
comes to building trust and shared commitment. Our shared years have
served to deepen our love and its expression.
When I do premarital counseling, I want couples to understand that
marriage is more about looking out for the other’s best interests than it
is about being taken care of by one’s spouse. That kind of attitude makes
it possible to remain committed to someone “for better or worse.” If our
goal is personal fulfillment and immediate gratification then we will be
unsettled in a marriage or serious relationship. We will always be on the
lookout for the next person to come along who can provide us with more than
our current spouse or partner – particularly when things are not going
well. It is a shortsighted approach because it fails to see that the kind
of personal and relational development and security that is truly
satisfying only takes place in the context of an irrevocably committed
relationship. Growth through change together is deeply rewarding. The
long-term cost of relational quick release is hard to overcome. We simply
never know when one of us will choose to leave and it is more difficult to
ever fully trust each other.
Love is a choice more often than it is a feeling. The most famous
passage on love in the Bible speaks about choices we should make out of
love for the other.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or
arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or
resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things. Love never ends.
Although none of us always live up to that ideal, it remains the best
environment for love and sex to flourish.
I would like to briefly address a few more practical concerns.
New Beginnings: Some of you may agree with what I am saying but think
that the advice is a bit too late. If you have a desire to make changes,
there is hope. It is never too late. It is not possible to reverse the
physical process, but many have found a new spiritual and emotional start
in what has been called “revirginization” or “secondary virginity.” The
heart of Christian faith is “Amazing Grace.” There is always the assurance
of forgiveness through Christ and the promise of a new beginning.
Community: We were made for love and relationship. Several friends
and not simply one person best meet those needs. Even married couples
should not be dependent on their spouse for meeting all of their relational
needs. I think that we need close, supportive relationships with people of
both genders. Although we have different comfort levels that should be
respected, all of us have a need for human touch. I hope that our
friendships will include non-erotic and appropriate physical expressions of
affection. It should also be recognized that singleness is not a second-
class option for people. The Christian message recognizes Jesus as fully
divine and our best example of what it means to be fully human. Jesus was
single.
Lust: Reality is that all of us have occasional pangs of inappropriate
sexual desire. The question is, what should we do about it? I think that
it was Martin Luther who said, “You can’t keep the birds from flying over
your head, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair.” We are not
helpless victims of our emotions. We can choose what emotions to starve
and which to feed. We do that whenever we decide to pass on dessert.
Recently, President Clinton has begun to meet regularly with a group of men
who will support, challenge, question and hold him accountable in the area
of his sexual behavior. I think that kind of support, by friends who know
us and are not afraid to say hard things to us, is helpful throughout our
lives.
Drawing Lines: Christians take different approaches in determining
what is or is not appropriate before marriage. When students in a dating
relationship ask me for advice about where to draw a line, I recommend that
it be made somewhere before petting or what might be considered foreplay.
However, I find that a list of dos and don’ts is not especially useful
because it still lends itself to self-seeking behavior in the relationship.
A better guide is to always seek to do things for and with the other that
will be good for both of you and that will leave you thankful for the
relationship even if it is not long lasting.
As I have written these words I have thought of lots of exceptions and
things I would like to further address. A short article inevitably lends
itself to misunderstanding. My choice has been to offer a few brushstrokes
of a complicated subject. My hope is that there are a few useful kernels
to think about and that I have given at least a hint of why I think
Christians can know the joy of sex. And remember the immortal words of
Westley: “Tr…ooo …luv” is worth the wait.
———————————-
[1] Song of Solomon 4:9-10 (
NRSV). [NRSV=New Resvised Standard
Version.]
[2] Matthew 19:4-6 (
NRSV).
[3] Mike Starkey. God, Sex & the Search for Lost Wonder, (Downers
Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1998), p. 39.
[4] 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (
NRSV).
[5] William Goldman. The Princess Bride, (New York: Ballantine Books,
1973), p. 249.
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