Pastoral Care of Self-Esteem - Ministry Exchange (MX)

In God’s Eyes: Pastoral Care of Self-Esteem December 5, 1998

PC 111: Introduction to Pastoral Care and Counseling

“I’m stupid,” and the 18-year old college freshmen was dead serious. ON the
outside, she seemed like the life of the party: effervescent, outgoing,
loud and fun. But, deep down inside she was hurting. She was performing
poorly in classes, and for an MIT student, that hit below the belt. For
students who are used to getting straight-A’s without much effort, finding
oneself on the lower end of the bell curve is a shock to the ego. Thus, her
poor academic performance was a devastating blow to her sense of
intellectual worth, and thus, her entire self-esteem. Her confidence had
dried up; she wanted to quit.

Her story is not new. The specific issue may not be the same, but
feeling less beautiful, less healthy, less accomplished, less loved, or
less talented may cause people today to suffer from poor self-esteem. The
social critics of our time blame the breakdown of the nuclear family, the
lack of lasting community, the dearth of role models, the decay of social
mores, the rebellion against authority, the influence of the media and its
proliferation of flawless images, and the rapid amount of change through
technology, all of which cause great instability and chaos for those
growing up in this ever-changing cultural and societal milieu. Thus, many
people are lost; they do not know who they are, what they are worth, or
where they are going. And, without the stability of solid communities and
families, people today know few who truly accept them unconditionally as
human persons, and thus scrap and fight for every little bit of self-esteem
they can gather. In discussing self-esteem in Christian circles, two extremes must be
avoided. First, one extreme view is that any love of the self is morally
wrong. In this camp, self-esteem equals self-absorption or self-worship. On
the other extreme, psychology and self-esteem talk are embraced as the new
Gospel, mistakenly believing that the pursuit of self is an end in itself,
and will even “attach all of the world’s ills.”[1] Both extremes must be
rejected. Wells writes, “Self-esteem results from Christian salvation, but
it is not to be confused with it. Nurturing self-esteem is not the same
thing as preaching the gospel.”[2] A healthy integration of the Bible,
theology and psychology will guide us toward God’s purposes and possible
methods of helping people with issues of self-esteem so rampant in today’s
people.

A definition of self-esteem
Many definitions of self-esteem abound.[3] To start, Campbell ventures that
“self-esteem is an awareness of possession of desirable qualitites or
objects by oneself.”[4] Jacobsen adds our perceived gap between the real
and the ideal: “Self-esteem is the expression of the harmony of discrepancy
between the self representations and the wishful concept of the self.”[5]
To the McGraths, self-esteem ”.consists of a global evaluation of judgment
about personal acceptability and worthiness to be loved, which carries with
it pleasant or unpleasant feelings. It is strongly related to the perceived
views of the person by important others in his life.”[6] Carlson simply
writes: “Self-esteem is the positive value we put on ourselves.”[7]

All of these definitions, and many others, highlight the role of our
own awareness and perceptions of our strengths and weaknesses, and their
accompanying feelings, accurately de-emphasizing the actual sources
themselves. Though they are decent definitions, Christian truths need to be
incorporated to be helpful for pastoral care. Thus, in this paper, self-
esteem is “the willingness to give up being the center of my world and
accept myself as God’s creation: lovable, valuable, capable, forgivable,
and redeemable.”[8] Carlson’s definition ties into self-esteem God’s
process of salvation and God’s view of mankind.

Sources of self-esteem
Again, the sources of self-esteem are less important; it is the perception
and affect in relation to these sources that affect our self-view. But, a
list of sources may help a pastor understand his client more clearly, and
thus provide more accurate solutions. Campbell writes an extensive list of
what may be sources of self-esteem: “ancestry, nationality, competencies,
intelligence, achievements, material possessions, virtues, aspirations,
talents, friends, and loved ones (and any good that they possess, inasmuch
as identification with them can lead to pride in their excellences), social
status, attention and acceptance and love from others, one’s stand of
values, his beliefs, profession, chances for achievement – the list is
endless.”[9] Whatever creates a positive outlook on the self, no matter how
grand or insignificant, can be a source of self-esteem.

To aid us further, the McGraths help categorize these sources of self-
esteem. They place the causes in four main areas: pedigree (Who am I? Where
did I come from?), performance (What do I do? How well do I do it?),
eternal significance (Do I matter? Does my life have meaning?), and love
for another (Am I liked? Am I loved?).[10] But again, our sense of self-
esteem is subject to our own personal interpretations of events in dealing
with these categories.

Issues of self-esteem
Most of the problem is that people base their self-esteem on the wrong
things. People, especially in a materialistic and image-conscious America,
tend to place their self-esteem in something temporal: the amount of money
they have, the kind of cars they drive, the beauty of their faces, the
robustness of their bodies. This is not the way God designed us to be.

Crabb suggests that God created every person with two basic,
legitimate longings: security and significance.[11] Security is the need to
be unconditionally accepted, significance is the need to have eternal
meaning and purpose in our lives. Only God can provide these things. When
these basic longings are not met, people turn to self-protective behaviors,
actions which help avoid the emptiness felt from unmet longings. For
example, instead of seeking true security in God, people may throw
themselves into sexual relationships to seek intimacy, or isolate
themselves from others, never to risk being seen as worthless. Instead of
seeking true significance in God, people will build up their egos with
achievements and possessions, which will only fade. Our actions then either
result in hubris or idolatry; we act like God, demanding our own ways to
fill the longings, or we idolize the things we chase after to numb the pain
inside. This is sin.

Pastoral Care in Self-Esteem
Thus, how can a pastor help with those who are dealing with self-esteem
issues? First, as a disclaimer, it is the false hope of modern Christianity
that says we can fulfill all of our legitimate longings on this side of
heaven. Though we already have victory through the Cross, our world is
tainted with sin. Through this already/not-yet outlook, we have a healthy
dose of Christian realism in the temporal present, and a healthy dose of
hope for the eternal future.

However, pastoral care can help. The goal is to help the client build
a “Christian confidence [which] rests totally upon the Cross of
Christ.”[12] Pastors can use the following steps to help build self-esteem
with God’s ways and truth, avoiding self-worship and its consequent denial
of the themes of sin and humility.[13] In the first step, relevant issues must be identified. Reflective
listening can help in providing feedback, and identifying sources which
cause the lack of self-esteem. Also, identify self-protective behaviors
which attempt to avoid confronting the client’s need of security and
significance, which, as we read in the last section, point to sin. After identifying the issues, the client needs to repent of the sin.
When confronting a self-protective behavior, he must admit that he has
acted as his own God, trying to work out his own solutions; he has chosen
his own way.[14] In this stage, two extremes must be avoided. On one
extreme, avoid urging the client to remove guilt from his life by excusing
sin. In the other extreme, avoid urging him to repent from the “sin” of low
self-esteem. Low self-esteem in itself is not a sin, but a result from sin.
And, lasting solutions comes from confronting his or her sinful nature. Lastly, the client begins to trust in God’s truth and ways. With the
power of the Holy Spirit, his self-protective behaviors must stop, and his
demandingness must be replaced with a trust in God’s ways and timing. Then,
God’s grace and redemption can cover his needs of security and
significance. By trusting in the objective fact of the Cross, he knows that
he is worthy in God’s sight and worthy of His unconditional love, not
because of anything he has done, but because of what God has done.[15] God,
then, is his ultimate father, lavishing him with unconditional love so that
he can feel accepted and secure.[16] And, he accepts His eternal purposes
for him, knowing that what He calls him to is something of great importance
and significance, of work that will not perish but will last until the
end.[17] This is not merely telling him that “I’m OK, You’re OK.” But
accepting God’s forgiveness and living according to that forgiveness. As an important note, these steps are best accomplished in the
context of Christian community. In knowing our own demandingness and
emptiness, we build up self-protective behaviors that keep us from true
intimacy with each other. Thus,w e need to bring down the walls between us
so that we can find acceptance and empowerment for out needs of security
and significance. In the church, we can find others who will show us love
for acceptance and empower us for significance.

In conclusion, our self-esteem must be placed in an unchanging, absolute,
objective God, who is our Rock and our Foundation, the very basis for any
self-esteem that will last. He alone provides the unconditional acceptance
and eternal purposes for our lives, filling our legitimate longings as much
as they can be on this side of heaven. Carlson writes, “Christian self-
esteem results from translating, ‘I am the greatest, wisest, strongest,
best,’ to ‘I am what I am, a person made in God’s image, a sinner redeemed
by God’s grace, and a significant part of the body of Christ.’”[18]

Bibliography

Campbell, Robert N. The New Science: Self-Esteem Psychology. New York:

University Press of America, 1984.

Carlson, David E. Counseling and Self-Esteem. From Resources for Christian

Counseling, Vol. 13. Gary R. Collins, Ed. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1988.

Crabb, L. Basic Principles of Biblical Counseling. Grand Rapids, MI:

Zondervan Publishing House, 1975.

Crabb, L. Inside Out. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1988.

Long, Jimmy. Generating Hope: A Strategy for Reaching the Postmodern

Generation. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1997.

McDowell, Josh. His Image, My Image. San Bernardino, CA: Here’s Life

Publishers, 1984.

McGee, Robert S. The Search for Significance. 2nd Ed. Houston: Rapha

Publishing, 1990.

McGrath, Joanna and Alister McGrath. The Dilemma of Self-Esteem: The Cross

and Christain Confidence. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1992.

Schuller, Robert H. Self-Esteem: The New Reformation. Waco, TX: Word Books,

1982.

Wells, David F. “Self-esteem: the new confusion.” The Reformed Journal

(October 1983): Vol. 33, No. 10: 15-18.———————————-
[1] Schuller, 149.
[2] Wells, 16.
[3] A compendium of alternate definitions can be found in Carlson, 245-247,
and Campbell, 1-10.
[4] Campbell, 7.
[5] Carlson, 246.
[6] McGrath and McGrath, 29.
[7] Carlson, 20.
[8] Ibid., 21.
[9] Campbell, 25-26, italics mine.
[10] McGrath and McGrath, 31ff.
[11] Basic Principles of Biblical Counseling, 48-75. For significance in
the Bible, cf. Eph 2:10, 4:7-13; Rm 12; 1 Cor 12. For security in the
Bible, cf. Rom 8:28-39, 1 Jn 3:1-2, 4:19.
[12] McGrath, and McGrath, x.
[13] These steps are loosely modeled and modified from Crabb’s Inside Out.
[14] Cf. Gn 3: Adam and Eve seeking to be God in the Garden of Eden.
[15] Rm 3:20-24, Ga 2:16.
[16] Lk 15:11-32, Rm 8:12ff.
[17] 1 Cor 3:9-15.
[18] Carlson, 12.