Building a Friendship with an International Student
Contents
The First Contact 1. Pray daily. Ask God for guidance and openness. As you pray, God will give you the right contact, and will prepare you for friendship. 2. Be where international students are and Be friendly. (It's no good fishing in a bathtub!) To avoid painful misunderstandings, men should build friendships with men, and women with women. 3. Be courageously Christian and Be ready to share the Gospel. "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience." (1 Peter 3:15-16). In word and deed, visibly and verbally, let your light shine, " You are the light of the world;" - don't be ashamed of your Lord. "Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." (Matthew. 5:14-16). 4. Rely on the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, no one comes to faith because of us, but because of the Holy Spirit's work. So don't push or pressure international students in any way, but rather love them for the sake of Christ. "Love those who are aliens" (Deuteronomy 10:19); "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew. 19:19). Top of page
Beginning Friendship through Conversation The best conversations with international students begin at home in your prayer closet! Pray that God will give you meaningful conversation. Then keep your eyes and ears open for good starting points. Conversation may begin over food, language, clothes, customs, a lecture, or something in his or her room, such as a poster or picture on the wall, the books in the bookshelf, or even a prayer rug. It's good to speak slowly and clearly, and to avoid insider terminology or slang. Let them know you're interested in learning about their culture and language. Don't give up if there's difficulty in communication! If you feel something hasn't been understood, then say it again, not louder, but using other (simpler) words. International students are having more difficulty than you are. They will appreciate your patience and effort at trying to understand. Often it's more relaxing and easier to talk if you're eating or drinking something. You may need to offer something more than once (in some cultures it's polite to refuse several times first). In your conversation, be sure to show genuine interest. We do this through asking questions and being a good listener. Let the international students tell about themselves, their home country, and their experiences. You should share about yourself as well, so the conversation isn't one-sided. In our political, volatile world, sometimes "hot" political themes or arguments come up. It's wise to avoid such topics. If you get caught by a "hot issue," it's possible to say, "You have an interesting viewpoint. I probably haven't thought about that as much as you have. Why do you feel that way about it?" Listening without arguing will show them you're interested, and after listening, it may be easier to gently ask about something else. Don't be judgmental of their thoughts, views, or culture. And don't be too surprised if they criticize our country. This is all part of learning to live in a new culture. As your international friends share about themselves, ask "why" type questions. For example, "Why do you wish to study medicine?" This helps move the conversation to issues of life, goals and faith. As you converse with each other, pray in silence, asking God to give you an opportunity to share your faith, but don't force it. There will be other chances. It's helpful and freeing to remember, ultimately, no one comes to faith because of us, but because of the Holy Spirit's work. Whenever the conversation moves toward faith, be sure to ask what they mean when they use religious expressions. He or she could mean something quite different from what you think. As you rely on the Spirit of God, you may find an opportunity to share something of what Christ has done for you. Most international students will listen carefully as you share personal things from your own life experience. If you feel fear as you share your personal faith, don't worry too much. Perhaps it's a good reminder to pray in dependence on God. Top of page
Some Suggestions for an Initial Conversation You: "Hello, my name is ............... I'm glad you could come to the USA (our campus, city). You come from ....?
International student: (response)
You: "How long have you been here in the USA?"
International student: (response)
You: "How are you getting along with English?"
International student: (response)
You: "Maybe I could help you with some American expressions, and you could teach me a few words in your language?
International student: (response) (Here you might discuss some especially difficult or strange aspects of the English language.) You: "What's your religion?" (For many international students, this is a "normal" question, they won't be offended nor surprised that you ask. For some, religion isn't more than a stamp in their passport. For others, they'll be quite sincere in their faith.)
International student: (response)
You: "Is your faith something alive and practiced in your own daily life, or is it more something which is part of your family and culture?"
International student: (response)
You: "Yes, here in the USA religion is also more just part of the culture. Most people here aren't real Christians." (Or, "Few people here are real Christians.")
International student: (response)
You: "What do I mean, real Christians? I'm happy to tell you..." (Here you might have a discussion about faith.) If the international student is sincere in faith you might ask: "What's the most important part of your faith to you personally?"
International student: (response)
You: "For me, the most important part of my faith is...." At some point you may feel the need to move the conversation to another topic, such as studies, family, or back to language and customs. You "steer" where the conversation is going with the questions you ask. The point of your conversation is to find an international friend, and begin to share your lives with each other. Top of page
Building Contacts into Friendships After you've met an international student and have had an initial conversation, how do you go further? Here are a few simple, practical suggestions to help build your contact into a friendship. Pray regularly for your new friend. God is seeking people who will worship Him (John 4:23). Be sure to write down your name, address, and telephone number, and even the names of the members of your family or friends for the international student so that he or she will be able to contact you again. Ask your international friend to help you with the pronunciation of his or her name until you can say it correctly. This might be a challenge! Ask, "What should I call you?" (Some internationals prefer using family names only.) To help you, read something about his or her country. A good place to begin is a library - there you can find books on the culture, geography, customs, history, political system and situation of your friend's country. To be up-to-date, read a newspaper or news magazine, noting articles about your friend's country. Listen to world news on the radio. This way you can avoid "dumb questions" when asking your friend something about his or her background. When you invite your international friend over to visit, it's best to also write the information with place, travel directions, date and time. This will help your friend keep the date in mind, and help avoid misunderstanding. Naturally, the most friendly thing to do would be to pick them up yourself and go together to your place. When you invite international students to join you for an activity, be careful to give them room to say, "No thank you," if they're not interested. And be clear about what it is you're inviting them to. For example, if you invite your international friends to something such as an InterVarsity monthly international student dinner, let them know that after the entertainment and meal there will be an investigative Bible discussion for those who are unfamiliar with the Bible . "We have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the Word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God" (2 Corinthians 4:2). "We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited" (2 Corinthians 6:3). Don't just invite international students to meetings, but share all areas of your lives together. "We were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our lives as well" (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8); "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth" (1 John 3:18). Many international students would be glad to be invited to visit your home, your parent's or a friend's home, and get to know a family. Small children are an added blessing. A casual, informal visit or a meal together is better than a formal meeting with strange customs. And remember to be a friend. It's important to show true interest and not patronize. This means doing things together, not just doing things "for" your international friend. International students want a deep, personal friendship while studying here. Better one or two friendships, than ten acquaintances. A deep friendship can only develop if we're prepared for Jesus' sake to share and invest time. Friendships grow as time is invested. Top of page
Keeping the Friendship Growing Once you've made contact with an international student and have started building a friendship, it's possible to "run out of ideas." Here are some suggestions of activities you could do together. Keep praying! Pray for the international student regularly, in your devotions, family prayers and at church. Be natural. Do "normal" things, and invite the international student to join you. Include him or her in your daily life: shopping, washing, studying, etc. When you go shopping together, you could point out inexpensive stores. Study together. Read their homework through and help them with the language. Visit each other, and get to know their friends. Share pictures of your families. Invite them home to meet your family. Share food experiences. Offer a cup of tea or coffee when he or she visits you. Invite them to supper or allow the international student to cook one of his or her national dishes for you. Cook or bake something unusual together, such as cookies. Help your friend find a room, and help with moving. If you own a car, offer to drive the international student to places he or she couldn't visit otherwise. You could take a tour somewhere in your city or to your State Capitol, or plan an outing to some other place of interest, such as one of your state parks. Use national holidays and festivals as a source of ideas. Celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter together. Learn about his or her culture. Teach each other songs and have a folk music evening. Sometimes you might want to send your international friend a card, to show you're thinking of him or her. Personal touches are a sign of loving friendship, such as bringing some warm soup when they're sick, or planning a surprise birthday party for him or her; invite them to your birthday party. You could write letters to someone together. Write to their families, telling them something about your friendship. It's important in a friendship to share worries and needs together. There are outdoor activities you can do together, such as going for walks or hikes, riding bicycles, skiing or swimming. Play a sport together such as volleyball, soccer or table-tennis, or let them teach you a game from their country. Camping might be a new adventure, and not soon forgotten. Fly a kite together. Build a snowman, share hobbies, go photographing together. Go on a trip together, visit other cities, or even plan a trip to your friend's home country. Go to a play, art show or concert, go to a movie or watch a video together, then discuss it afterwards over coffee or hot chocolate. Watch and discuss the news together. Read books together. Sometimes such activities can lead to a good conversation on what's wrong with the world, what's wrong with people's hearts, and how faith changes things. Talk together about faith. If they show interest, it may be appropriate to attend a worship service together so your international friend learns what Christians do when they come together. You might also attend an investigative Bible discussion together, such as those offered by some InterVarsity groups at monthly international dinners, a coffee house, or small group Bible study. In a word: SHARE YOUR LIVES WITH EACH OTHER! (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8)
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