How is cross-cultural friendship different from mono-cultural friendship?  This question is becoming increasingly relevant today not just to those who are enthusiastic about befriending international students, but to all students as more and more campuses become multi-cultural.  What knowledge and skills are essential in order to develop healthy cross-cultural friendships?

 

In an attempt to answer these questions we shall look at three important aspects of cross-cultural friendship:  the cultural factor; the relational (friendship) factor; and ways in which awareness of cultural differences can enrich a friendship.

 

The Cultural Factor

A meeting between two people from different cultural backgrounds is by definition an encounter between two cultures.  Cultures can be described as an internal code which all people have in the back of their minds.  It tells them what is right and wrong, normal and abnormal, etc.  Knowing the appropriate code makes people feel that they belong and that their world is predictable.

 

This means that those cultural elements which are immediately visible to the eye are in fact only the tip of the iceberg.  In any culture there are at least three layers:

 

1. External cultural forms, eg:

·        Customs and traditions (whether you celebrate Ramadan or Egyptian New Year, and how you go about it).

·        Dress (whether you feel most comfortable in sari, kimono or jeans).

·        Food and eating habits (whether you prefer raw fish, sweet and sour, or fish and chips – and how you want to eat it).

2. Norms and values

What we have learned about what is proper and improper, beautiful and ugly, helpful and useless, etc.  We use our values to rationalize and defend the external layer of our culture.

3. Worldview

What gives meaning to life?  God?  Or do we create our own meaning?  Is reality one- or two-dimensional:  visible or visible and invisible?  These questions form the core of any culture.  In many ways culture is like a filter or a pair of tinted spectacles which we have worn for so long that it is hard to imagine that the world can have been any other color.  Yet the world looks very different to people who wear different spectacles.  This is important to remember when relating cross-culturally, for the way in which we communicate and interact with others will to some extent be determined by our cultural filter.

 

Know Yourself:  Cultural Self-Awareness

Self-knowledge gives us the freedom to enter into the experience of others without losing our own identity.  As Christians, we find our personal identity in God.  He gives us our sense of value and dignity, on which we can build our self-esteem:  ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine… You are precious and honored in my sight and I love you.’  (Is 43:1, 4)  Resting in God’s unconditional love and acceptance sets us free to reach out to others across cultural and religious barriers.

 

However, when we want to befriend people who have a different cultural code, we also need to understand our own cultural identity.  This means that as a Dane I need to ask myself what it means to be Danish and try to identify the different layers of Danish culture.  It is important that I know why I think and react as I do, for my values and behavior will almost certainly be challenged when I meet people with a different cultural code.  When I take a long and honest look at Danish culture I will discover aspects which I want to hold on to (eg democracy, equal opportunities and care for the weakest in society), but I will also find that I am critical of other aspects (eg the widespread permissiveness in Danish society, the lack of moral absolutes and the Danish fear of commitment in personal relationships).  Going through this process of cultural introspection need not be a threatening experience but may lead to a healthy awareness of my own cultural baggage and a greater understanding of a truly biblical values.

 

Know Your Friend:  Culture and Uprooting

In a cross-cultural friendship one of the friends will often (although not always) be a foreigner, i.e. someone who has left his or her own country to set up home in another culture, either temporarily or permanently.  When befriending foreigners in our country we need to remember that an immigrant is always first an emigrant, i.e. a person who had dignity and status in his home country, who speaks fluently in his mother tongue and was, his own country, an integrated and often highly respected member of a family and a wider community.

 

Culture Shock and the Loss of Self

Culture shock has been compared to arriving in Singapore with a map of Amsterdam – you find that your map (i.e. your cultural code) is useless in the new territory.  Although this experience is a normal and predictable part of moving into a new culture and adjusting to a new environment in which everything looks, sounds, smells, tastes and behaves differently from the one you are used to, the transition can be highly stressful.  The degree of stress experienced when moving into another culture has been compared to bereavement.  While not every international student will experience feelings of grief, many can echo statements such as ‘I just don’t feel whole any more…’ and ‘I feel as if part of me is missing…’

 

What is it, then, that an international has lost?  The loss can be summarized in three words:  people, places and things.  These are universally perceived as anchors for the self, because they embody an individual’s personal, social and emotional biography.  The presence and physical availability of certain people, places and things in the outer world affirms what a person is and has become.  In a new culture, relationships start ‘from scratch’, i.e. we can only describe the past verbally – there are no shared experiences.

 

This is why some international students experience physical separation from their familiar universe as a virtual loss of self.  A student may start behaving in unpredictable ways and experience an overall decline in function:  ‘I wasn’t like this before…’  Some complain of unfamiliar physical symptoms such as headaches, pains, sweating or panting.  Many experience a reduced range of emotions and a temporary loss of inner stability:  their body may be in the new country, but their psyche is still back at home.  It is not uncommon for international students to struggle with feelings of failure, inadequacy, shame and guilt.  A Ghanaian student ironically summarized his experience of life in Europe:  ‘I felt like an ant.’

 

When encouraging national students to befriend international students, we need to make sure that they understand that culture shock is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, and that most visiting students go through some or all of the following stages:

 

Stage 1:  Preparation

This is the time for saying goodbye to the home country.  The student is focusing intently on the future.  Expectations are often high and not entirely realistic.

 

Stage 2:  The Cultural Honeymoon

For the first few days or weeks in the new country cultural differences often seem exciting and fascinating.  The student is curious to find out as much as possible about the host culture.  Immediate problems such as food, accommodation and finances take up time and energy.

 

Stage 3:  Reaction

After a few months in the new country many students begin to feel the deeper reality behind cultural differences.  Disillusionment and frustration may set in as well as a growing feeling of self-doubt and stress.  Sometimes there are strong feelings of anger and resentment.  Customs and values in the host country may be criticized and rejected.  It is during this stage that the experience of loss is felt most acutely.

 

Stage 4:  Acceptance and Re-orientation

Eventually most students reach a stage when they start to accept their new situation and environment.   Scars begin to heal and life gradually seems to be coming together again.  They begin to feel that they can survive in the new country with some degree of self-respect and control over their own life.

 

Coping with Culture Shock

Some international students withdraw into isolation, while others group together with fellow nationals.  Many choose the company of other international students where acceptance and understanding may be more easily found than among students of the host country.  While it is true that spending time with fellow nationals can help the student cope more effectively when interacting cross-culturally, most students know that they also need a close friend from the host culture who will be honest enough to help and not just be polite and superficial.  Without such a friend, adjustment will continue to be an uphill struggle.

 

The Friendship Factor

Key Principle

A cross-cultural friendship is a goal in itself and meaningful even when it does not lead to conversion.  While the majority of international students who become Christians do so through friendship, we need to bear in mind that conversion is a process.  The cost of becoming a Christian may be much higher for people from other faiths than for secular Western pagans.  Friendship with a Christian national may be only one link in a long chain of people and events which God uses to bring an international student to faith.

 

Definition

Friendship is basically about a one-to-one relationship.  The quality of friendship among a group of people will never be higher than that of the one-to-one relationships within the group.  Friendship is a rounded relationship with intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical dimensions.  It provides a climate for personal growth and is God’s beautiful gift in our lives.

 

God and Obligations

A cross-cultural friendship takes time that could be used in other ways.  There will inevitably be misunderstandings and embarrassing moments.  Like all meaningful relationships it requires a commitment of the will.  The Western attitude which says ‘I’ll be your friend until someone more interesting comes along’ can be deeply hurtful.

 

Resources

As Christians we have God’s love poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit (Rom 5:5).  We can all give of ourselves, our love and our time:  the most precious things we can offer our friend (cf Paul’s example in 1 Thess 2:8).

 

The Shame of Loneliness

Many international students in Europe mention loneliness as their biggest problem.  They often come from cultures where loneliness is seen as something shameful.  When they experience loneliness in a Western country they feel that they have lost their dignity, and they feel exposed and vulnerable.

 

Acknowledging Cultural Differences

Identity:  individual or communal?

Herein lies the greatest difference between Western and other societies.  In the West identity is linked to the individual.  The Westerner asks, ‘Who am I?’  Independence has a positive ring.  Westerners reject what is handed down to them from previous generations.  In other parts of the world identity is linked to the family and the community.  Belonging gives the individual a sense of identity.  Dependence has a positive ring, and accepting what is handed down from one’s elders is a sign of maturity.

 

Values

Different values create different people.  What is more important:  the welfare of the individual or of the community?  Are my actions determined by self-interest and personal satisfaction (‘Does this feel good?’) or by duty and loyalty to my family (‘What has to be done?’)?  Is honesty more important than politeness?  Should criticism be expressed directly or through a third party? What is worse:  guilt or shame?  Answers to these and other questions differ greatly from culture to culture.

 

Family expectations and obligations

Many international students know that their families have made considerable sacrifices for them to be able to pursue studies abroad.  They do not want to disappoint their families or cast shame on them.  They may also have a long-term financial obligations towards younger brothers and sisters as well as towards members of the extended family.

 

The concept of time

In the West time goes, runs and flies; it is always in short supply.  In other parts of the world time comes:  there is always more time.

 

Religion

Many international students come from cultures where religion affects every aspect of life, including how you dress, what you eat and whom you marry.  In the West religion is unreal to most people and seems to belong only to Sunday mornings.

 

Experience of racism

Many international students come from countries with a colonial history of exploitation by Western powers.  Most European students have grown up with very different feelings about their country and its past.

 

Letting Cultural Differences Enrich Friendship

Here are just a few ideas to pursue:

·        Think of international students as potential resource people who can be givers as well as receivers in a friendship.

·        Take the initiative in building bridges of friendship.  The other person is probably even more shy or uncertain in the situation than you are.

·        Names matter.  Remember your friend’s name and how to pronounce it.  In many cultures names are part of a person’s identity and making and effort to learn someone’s name signals genuine interest.

·        Ask your friend about his/her family, background and hobbies.  Take an interest in his/her home country and experience of your country.  Try asking, ‘What do you miss most about your country?’ or ‘What has been most frustrating for you here this week?’

·        Find out if your friend needs practical help:  how to use buses and trains, operate washing machines or where to buy cheap food and clothes.  Being in a position to offer practical help is a golden opportunity for initiating a friendship.

·        Visit your friend.  Most international students come from hospitable cultures and will be pleased to welcome a visitor.  Home students soon learn to appreciate international student cuisine and the privilege of sampling delicious national dishes from around the world.

·        Invite your friend round for coffee or a meal, and invite some of your other friends too.  All will benefit!

·        Visit places of local interest together.  You may have seen them lots of times but your friend probably hasn’t and would be interested to do so.

·        Offer, or ask for, help with academic work as appropriate.  Many international students have a wider horizon than home students and detailed knowledge of their subjects.  You may be able to offer help in language learning.

·        Ask questions and learn about your friend’s culture and faith:  ‘Do people in your culture/family practice any religion?’  Then share what you believe.  International students are often much more open to talking about spiritual matters than home students.

·        When you make a blunder, apologize, learn from your mistake and try again.

·        Don’t take yourself too seriously.  Relax and enjoy your new friendship.

 

Epilogue:  The Example of Jesus

Jesus associated with all sorts of people.  He didn’t only love the successful and well adjusted but those who needed him most.  He was fully aware of the cultural and religious barriers of his own day but he was not afraid to reach out across them.  He invested his life in individuals, gave them his time and attention and accepted them unconditionally.  Daring to follow the example of the Master is the key to making friends cross-culturally.

 

Birthe-Munck Fairwood was an international student staffworker with KFS-Denmark from 1986-91.  She then became the International Coordinator for UCCF-Britain (having married an Englishman in the meantime!).  She became national coordinator of the Danish Inter-Cultural Christian Centre (Tvaerkulturelt Center) in 1994. The Centre is an umbrella organization for 70 national and ethnic churches and organizations in Denmark.

 

For Further Reading

 

Lawson Lau, The World at your Doorstep (IVP-USA, 1984)

Tim Stafford, The Friendship Gap:  Reaching out across cultures (IVP-USA, 1984)