I had never thought about becoming a Christian when I was
in China. As a professor teaching and researching
philosophies for many years, I considered myself clear about
the meaning and value of life. I adopted the following
Chinese saying as my motto in life: "The meaning of life is
to establish good morals, to pronounce words of wisdom and
to accomplish good merit." I was very busy and occupied.
There was no emptiness in me that needed to be filled by any
religion, let alone Christianity! I regarded it a waste of
time to contemplate the abstract idea of God. Besides, I did
not like the idea of being bounded by religious doctrines
and regulations. Only once, out of curiosity, had I ever
visited a shabby little church in 1979 while I was still
studying in college.
During my years of teaching Marxism and modern western
philosophies, I was, of course, more or less exposed to
Christianity. I appreciated some of Jesus' teachings
concerning morals. To me, his teaching, like the teaching of
Confucius, was among the greatest philosophies in human
history. Sometimes I even quoted his words in the same way
that I quoted Confucius, Sakyamuni Buddha, or Mohammed, in
my class for Communist leaders. I was showing off how
learned and courageous I was. However, I tried many times to
read through the New Testament from cover to cover.
Invariably I failed, because I could not believe the
miracles recorded there. I regarded them as ridiculous
superstition, believed only by primitive or non-educated
tribal peoples who did not know science at all.
My hurting patriotic ego
In the fall of 1991, I came to the United States. My
environment just would not allow me to avoid the issue of
religion any longer. I met many people who believed in God.
Many of them had masters degrees and others were doctors and
professors of natural sciences. Not only were they serious
in their belief, they preached to me earnestly also. "Is
there a God?" "Is the resurrection of Jesus Christ a
historical truth?" Questions like these began to bother me.
But the instinct of my cultural background pushed me to
reject Christianity. I did not want to become a Christian.
Why? Because Christianity was a "foreign" religion, and
anything with a western origin was regarded as obtrusive and
exclusive.
I was indoctrinated by the government: "The Imperialists
knocked open China's door with guns and boats. Then the
missionaries followed in their footsteps to preach the
Gospel. The privilege of preaching the Gospel was guaranteed
and written in black and white on the unequal treaties that
China made with western countries. The missionaries were at
the forefront of imperialistic invasion. They were carrying
out a cultural invasion under the protection of powerful
western aggressors." I had wholly accepted these official
"scientific historical conclusions" because of my hurting
patriotic ego. It never crossed my mind that these
conclusions might not truly be scientific. How could the
Gospel be related with guns? How could killing and loving be
related? My reasoning surrendered to my feelings when these
questions arose and were scrutinized by my hurting patriotic
ego. I could not be objective when the humiliation of China
in the recent hundred years was so fresh on my mind.
Since the May Fourth Movement started, "westernized
Chinese culture" had become the dominant ideology. By 1949,
the propaganda of "following the Russians" and "cut off the
cord with tradition completely" was in fashion. Later, in
the economic reformation movement, people started to
"embrace the blue civilization." I was very concerned over
all of this. I recognized that China could not refuse the
western civilization which was backed up by modern
technology and China also could not reject the western
culture which was under the banners of democracy and
liberty. But the Chinese could choose to reject
Christianity. The problem is: Christianity is one of the
major roots of western civilization. How can we embrace
western culture and not Christianity?
The decline of western culture
In the US, I have witnessed the decline of the western
culture. From observing all the social problems, such as
drug abuse, the easy access to guns and firearms, racial
conflicts, the disintegration of family units, the
pervasiveness of pornography and violence in the mass media,
I could hardly believe that this was a country claiming to
believe in Christianity. I said to myself: if American
culture is truly a Christian culture, then all these ugly
phenomena must be parts of Christianity. If faith in
Christianity could not save America, how could it save
China?
On top of this, I found American Christians to be very
exclusive. They seemed to regard what they believed as the
absolute truth and were eager to attack whatever was
different from their belief. Seldom did I see them "walk
their talk." On the other hand, I was disappointed also with
Chinese Christians whom I met. In most of the discussions we
had, they talked about Jesus, Adam, Abraham, Moses, David,
and Paul. Very seldom would they mention Confucius or famous
Chinese kings and philosophers in history. Even if they were
mentioned, it was more criticism than appreciation. I
doubted if they ever had any training in Chinese literature
though they might have read the Bible from cover to cover
several times. I wondered, "When a Chinese becomes a
Christian, does his thinking and behavior also change into
western molds?
The turning point
Fortunately, in the States, I had the freedom to read
many religious books which were banned in China. These books
not only increased my knowledge but also changed my
impression of western missionaries. As I read the
autobiography of English missionary, Hudson Taylor, I was
greatly touched by his noble character, his genuine faith,
and most of all, his sincere and sacrificial love towards
the Chinese.
During the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, fifty-nine
missionaries from the China Inland Mission (which was
founded by Mr. Taylor) were martyred; and twenty-one
children were killed. They suffered a total loss of their
property and personal belongings, but no one complained. No
one could find any letters or writings from the victims, the
victims' families, and the victims' friends containing
bitterness, thoughts of revenge, want of compensation. Mr.
Taylor insisted on not asking for any compensation, even
though the Chinese government was willing to offer it, if
asked. I was so touched that I could comprehend what he
meant when he said, "Should I have a thousand pounds, China
can claim them all; should I have a thousand lives, I would
not spare one not to give to China." Not only did he lay
down his life, he also laid his beloved wife and children on
the altar of China.
Thus, my foolish mind was illuminated by Hudson Taylor's
immortal spirit. I bowed my arrogant head and recognized the
other side of historical fact: i.e. though many missionaries
came to China with their own sense of superiority and might
have done wrong, there were indeed many missionaries who,
like Hudson Taylor, out of their love of God, truly loved
China. Maybe the way they evangelized was of western style
influence, but the book that they carried in their hands was
nothing but the most precious book of God, the Bible. They
were not our enemies; they were our friends. They were not
the tools of the Imperialist invaders; they were the
servants of God.
I have to confess that although I am Chinese, I have not
loved China as much as Hudson Taylor did, and I would not
lay down my life for her. For I did not have the kind of
faith that Hudson Taylor had that would be willing to
forsake everything for my own country.
I still could not answer why the missionaries would come
to China along with those cannons. The reality is that the
big guns and boats indeed knocked open China's door and woke
her up from a thousand years of self-complacency. She was
forced to learn from the west, and took her first step in
building modern technology. On the other hand, I also saw
the suppressed historical fact that, indeed, the
missionaries had liberated the Chinese from several rituals.
For instance, Chinese girls were set free from binding their
feet due to the efforts of western missionaries; the Bible
was translated into vernacular Chinese which assisted the
reformation of Chinese classical language into vernacular
Chinese.
My conclusion
I started to re-examine the myth of regarding
Christianity as a "foreign religion" among the Chinese. The
word, "foreign", carries with it a negative connotation. Why
did we single out Christianity as "foreign" while Islam,
which originated from the Middle East, was not? How about
Buddhism from India which has almost been regarded as a
native religion by the Chinese? Why did the emperor in the
Tang Dynasty send monks to India to retrieve the Buddhist
Sutra instead of rejecting it as "foreign?" Then, it dawned
on me that China was strong and powerful at that time. She
had the ability to take up the challenge of new thoughts and
values. She absorbed their strength, melted the new into the
old, and produced a richer culture. However, in the last
hundred years, China has been badly defeated by foreign
powers, over and over again. Her national image has been
repeatedly devastated and her people have been greatly hurt.
Christianity came at this moment of Chinese humiliation and
bitterness. It is understandable why Chinese would reject
all these "foreign" things (except goods).
After being set free from the historical myths I once
believed, I was able to reconsider the exclusiveness of
Christianity. From my understanding, other religions such as
Buddhism and Islam are exclusive in their doctrines also. I
concluded that the exclusivity is an absolute for any truth.
If I believe that there is only one God, then I must accept
no other but him. Gradually, I came to understand that God
transcends all cultures. Though Christianity originated in
the Middle East, it encompassed Hebrew, Greek, Roman and
European cultures. God is the God for all mankind. He does
not belong to any single culture. Christianity will thrive
in any culture whether it is eastern or western. People,
regardless of the colors of their skin - white, black or
yellow are given the privilege to worship Him in spirit.
That night, when I cried out from the bottom of my heart,
"My dear Heavenly Father," I caught a glimpse of the kingdom
of God. It is in my heart.
I, the prodigal son, had been found by Jesus!
Abridged from pg. 32, August 1995 issue of the
Overseas Campus Magazine. Mr. Fan was a former teacher of
Marxism in China. Used with permission.
