The Blog of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship

January 23, 2013

How to Have Sex: Relationship Advice for Guys

By: 
Adam Jeske

Sex is a good thing. You might even get to have some, if you follow these steps:

 1. Acknowledge that you’re messed up. You don’t do things that you should. You do things you shouldn’t. This is really hard, and the need for it never really ends, for me and for everybody else.

 2. Admit that you can’t change yourself. No amount of New Year’s resolutions or task management software will solve the problems you’ve acknowledged in #1. This is also really hard, and I think the need for it never really ends, either.

 3. Pray to Jesus. Thank him for his great love for you and for being sacrificed to cover your great need (since you can’t yourself). Then ask that he’d forgive you for all the stuff in #1, offering your whole life to him. It’s probably a good idea to do this last bit at least once a day too, to keep ourselves from holding the reins a bit too tightly.

 4. By God’s great grace, stop being a selfish jerk. This is long, slow and painful. (And the need for it continues after you’re married.)

 5. Meet a lot of women.[1]

 6. Ask God Almighty if one is a match for you. Consider what each of you know about God’s calling in your life and how you’re going to serve God and neighbors. If those don’t dovetail, it’s probably not right.[2] If you do sense God’s “yes,” see #7.

 7. Ask her to marry you.

  • If she says yes, continue to #8.
  • If she says no, repeat steps 4 to 7.

 8. Get married. 

 9. Continue to cherish and nurture her, as the old vows say.[3]

10. Have sex as often as you both want, until one of you dies or your sex drive drops into negative numbers.[4]

If Waiting Is Driving You Crazy . . .

In all seriousness, it’s no secret that men are often driven by their sex drive. For Christian fellas, this often morphs into a “marriage drive.” And in that, I think some of you brothers need a bit of encouragement.

Relax.

Focus on your character. Grow up, as a follower of Jesus. Take responsibility. Take initiative. Practice spiritual disciplines. Serve others. Be generous. Learn.

In the course of all that, you will meet women. And it’s pretty likely you’ll be attracted to a bunch of them. But ask yourself which of them is going to help you do the stuff on this list I just gave you. And how will you help her to be the person God made her to be?

Marriage should help you live life to the fullest and make each of you a better person. My wife and I wrote a book together, and in it I listed how wretched I’d be without her around:  

  • I’d watch stand-up comedy for hours.
  • I’d eat pork rinds daily.
  • I’d never dust or clean the bathrooms.
  • I’d run around the world every year or so in a desperate attempt to break into disaster/war photojournalism.
  • I’d get into long funks of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-destruction.

At a recent speaking engagement, I said, “My wife is the primary agent of my sanctification.” God uses her to make me a better man and more effective for good. I hope she would say something similar about me.

Dating, then, is finding that kind of person.

And the sex comes later.


[1] Contrary to what you may think, it is not a given that you should get married, and having sex is not essential to your masculinity or necessary for a fulfilling life. Consider 1 Corinthians 7 and other passages about our primary purpose—being single and celibate is good and helpful, though often difficult. Our churches need to acknowledge this and care well for one another.

[2] Please forget the myth of “The One.” There are a lot of people you could happily be married to. The important thing is that you and God choose no more than one and stick with the decision.

[3] This is just about the hardest thing in the whole world to do. You will need to give up a lot of your own goals and preferences. But it’s worth it.

[4] I’ve heard about research indicating that married people have more sex that is more satisfying than anyone else, including those “hooking up all the time.” (Granted, there are a lot of married couples with awful sex lives, but that’s a whole ’nother blog post.)


Adam Jeske has served in Nicaragua, China, and South Africa and regularly contributes to Relevant. With his wife, Christine Jeske, he has written This Ordinary Adventure: Settling Down Without Settling. He blogstweets, and serves as the Associate Director of Communications for InterVarsity.

You might also be interested in Christine's post on relationship advice for women.

Or read more from Adam and Christine:

Three Things I Hate About Jesus

Jesus Doesn't Want You to Be Afraid

How to Follow Jesus in the Midst of the Mundane

Comments

Is there a reason why this is only applicable to men? A lot of this is also relevant for women, who also have sex drives.
Great advice. But number 9... Once you get to the end of step 9 (at 19 years for me) and "your [partner's] sex drive drops into negative numbers" it can be a bit of a shocker... I know it's "a whole ’nother blog post" — but any advice besides Meatloaf's refrain: "I'll never break my promise or forget my vow, but..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnjV7qIPVsA&t=7m41s
Don't Skip a Step - GET MARRIED! It may seem like a technicality, but 7 & 8 can happen before getting married. Asking is not enough. Wait until after you are actually married. Some engagements don't make it to marriage. Spare yourself a lot of grief. Get married first.
Great article Adam, can't agree more! After (almost) 19 years of marriage I must also say: “My wife is the primary agent of my sanctification.” Thank God for our wonderful (and patient) wives! And also thank Him for the satisfying sex life in our marriage! (it IS possible)
Love it. Especially number 9: "Until...your sex drive drops into negative numbers." Laughed a lot, but valuable, key info for young (and old) men! Great work!

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